Sisters Creating Change

The charming Sector Three

Leading into the middle of the week was when we met sector 3, met and fell in love with sector 3. I'm not sure what it is about that sector or should i say that age but i seem to hear that all volunteers fall in love them.

Its funny because you would think that spending all this time in such a house of sheer horror would leave you so unhappy all of the time but it really is quite the opposite.

I spent the whole week inside the institute laughing, playing, singing and giving more love than i knew i had the capacity to give. 
Outside the institute i always wore a huge smile, it made you appreciate everything that you have and live much more in the moment. 
I had the most amazing conversations about life as i'm sure you can imagine, being in that situation makes you think about everything you do in your current life and whether it truly matters to you.

I guess being there gives you the realization that we are gifted with such opportunity and the power to be or create anything we choose to, we are lucky enough only to be held back by the barriers that we build.
The freedom we deem as our reality is something that others couldn't even dare to dream of, and if only out of respect for all of those people who aren't as fortunate as us we should live in appreciation of this every single day.

It would be silly of me to say that you don't experience great sadness when you are there but the only way i believe you can deal with it is by remembering what you do have and what you can give.
All it takes is one smile or one response to turn a moment of sadness into a moment of pure happiness.

First Impressions 
Our first interaction with sector 3 was when Ruth and i had been shown onto the sector by Grigor, we walked out onto the balcony where the majority of the children were 'playing' together.
The balconies are big old concrete floors that circle the whole building on every sector, with railings around them to stop any of the kids falling through. 
It had a large cot filled with 5 children whilst others were sat on the floor or on the small plastic chairs - the carers were sat having coffee giving the children the occasional glance or moving them away if they got to close to the railings.

As soon as i walked in a little boy looked up at me, little brown curls,sucking his bottom lip and smiling so innocently. 
He sat and watched me interact with the other children, either children fight for your attention pushing anything or anyone out of the way or they are so patient, waiting, desperately hoping you will go to them next.

Jamie just sat smiling on the chair like a cool dude, whilst i went over and had to stop the first awful sight on the sector. 
They had put a child from sector 4 in the cot with another little girl Monica - Monica was about 4 but had severe problems brought on by institutionalization. She had the mental age of a 6 month old and was extremely anxious all the time,she sat on all fours bouncing up and down always insisting her back was to something like a wall or another object.

 If you tried to touch her when it wasn't invited or brought on on her terms she would get incredibly distressed, biting her arms and screaming murder.
She was one of the children that really had no idea that you were a person, she would see you only as an object. Very strange to see that in a childs eyes.

With that said she was next to a child that seemed to display autistic behavior, as always you have to imagine autistic behavior as we know it and amplify by a 100 then mix it in with the institutionalization.
Bored, the only means of entertaining himself was to grab Monica's hair and repeatedly smack it against the side of the cot, in turn she let out this piercing screech.
Now you would think that the first thing 'carers' would do is come and stop this situation right? oh no this just continued for around 3 minutes and had been happening for god knows how long before we arrived.

I instantly walked over and picked up Monica and indicated that the carer come and move the little boy out of the cot as he was damaging her head, which was now purple and red where she had been hit so many times. The carer just looked at me like i was crazy and causing her a huge inconvenience. She picked him up and wondered off down the balcony into a room.

We continued to play with the kids, most of them now rocking and lip vibrating constantly unless interacted with.
It's amazing how many times you try and entertain 10 kids at once just to stop this behavior, it's like you cant physically allow them to rock whilst you are there. So you would often find yourself lining them all up on your legs and bopping them up and down singing, just to keep as many of them engaged at one time.

45 minutes after arriving we were both playing with a few children each when we realized that slowly all the kids had been taken off and none of the carers were in sight. Confused we wondered up and down the balcony and through all the rooms thinking initially that the kids were being fed or potentially showered.

I wandered up to the furthest point on the balcony where i saw through the window the little boy that i had asked to be moved from the cot, he was sat in a room by himself playing with his feet. He had been locked in there since i had asked for him to be moved, the thought of him just sat there by himself just kills me. Especially as it was a result of my actions.

I walked along and through the rooms realizing that the children had all individually been locked into different rooms or placed into cots where they were just sat silently rocking or banging there heads on the bars for some sort of stimulation.

I was so confused and kept looking for the carers thinking there must be some sort of reasoning for this? They were no where to be seen until i saw one sat in there office having a coffee and reading a magazine. 
They clearly thought there were more important things to be doing with there time so locked them in rooms separately to limit the noise possibly. I was simply horrified.
I walked through each room with Ruth picking up all the children and taking them all into the playroom so we could interact with them all. Just repeatedly shaking my head in disbelief that they couldn't even be bothered to leave the kids with us and disappear but make sure they were suffering on there own.

The next few hours were pure happiness, all the kids laughing and crawling all over you. Not even wanting your individual attention just so happy to have some part of their body touching yours.
I would stand up and walk to the other side of the room and literally there would be a surge of all of them crawling to you to be near you again.

As 7pm came Grigor came in to collect us, as he always did he would appear through the window with his green scrubs waving at the kids.
This was the only time i saw there faces turn when they saw him, knowing that when he arrived it meant we were leaving.

I gave them all kisses and cuddles as i did in all sectors and went to leave. This was the first day in my whole time in Bulgaria that i was overcome with emotion, unable to comprehend what was unfolding infront of me.
All the kids screaming and crying, there little bodies all trying to stand up and balance on one another to reach upto you to be held.

All you can do is walk out and keep going, you know that turning around isn't going to make it any better. 
We walked down the sector to the lift where you have to wait for a good 20 seconds for it to arrive, each second going pass with their screams echoing down the hallway and through your body almost punching you in the heart.

I have never experienced anything like it. The most unnatural feeling to leave 10 screaming children that you know are going to carry on being neglected until you return.

That was also the first time i cried, we went to the flat that night and had our first sob. 
You don't really cry for the now you cry because you know that in a few days time you are going to have to leave them there. Leave them and come home to pretend that anything else matters in comparison.

Other then the final day in Pleven, this was the most difficult day i experienced.

Saying goodbye to Pleven

On the lead upto going to Bulgaria everyone had said the same thing to me, this trip is going to change your life. The way you see the world is going to be altered forever.
I didn't doubt that what they were saying were true but it's not something you can really comprehend or envisage happening.
I always thought that when people said it it was like a sudden moment and then all of a sudden boom your life was changed forever.

Having had the experience I can say that my life hasn't essentially changed from the trip like some big bang moment. 
My purpose for getting up in the morning has changed, my appreciation for the life i am able to lead has changed, things that i once thought were my rights i now realize are actually a privilege.
I guess something that really stands out is that although the experience has scarred and saddened me it has also allowed me to truly be happy and appreciate the happiness that i can experience should i choose to.

When witnessing people being subject to such neglect like in the institutions or any kind of trauma its always talked about what an amazing thing you are doing, how much you are giving the children and how proud you should be of giving your time. Although i appreciate this point of view it has never been my perspective.
What Grigor and every single child that i had the privilege of meeting have given me is something that i could never repay. 
Everything that i have mentioned about how my life has changed has been as a result of all of them, there hope and hunger for life despite being enveloped in such horror will never seize to amaze me.

I left Pleven with such emotion, emotion that to be honest i had no idea how to deal with. I am the kind of person that never dwells on problems i get out there and solve them, yet when a problem is on this scale it is so overwhelming you simply don't know where to begin!
I was lucky enough to come away with a soul mate in Ruth, someone that i have no doubt will be on my mission to change this situation no matter how long it takes or what barriers we face. We will get there.
I come away with a wonderful friend in Grigor, a man that inspires and amazes me upon every single thought. Knowing someone that has such insight into the situation is something that fills me with such hope, together we can create such change.

The waves that have been created since i arrived home have been phenomenal, the response to this blog has been simply overwhelming. Strangers,People that i never would have had down as being interested in what i am aiming to achieve have been so incredibly supportive offering any help they can give. It has shown me just how much good is out there if you look hard enough to see it.

I cannot share to much information of what i am working on at the moment, not because i dont want to ( i want to shout from the hills!) but because nothing is finalized yet on a few things and i dont want to jinx them!

Sisters Creating Change

One thing that i am INCREDIBLY excited to share with you is myself and my oldest and most precious friend Liv have begun our six month charity fundraising mission... 
Liv is founder of the wonderful organization EduHaitian, giving children affected by the 2010 earthquake an education by sending them to school.

Liv has been nothing but an inspiration to me throughout my whole life but esspecially the last few years, she has single handily taught me how much you can achieve with hard work, determination and most importantly never giving up on your dream no matter what challenges are thrown your way.

Sisters.

TBACT AND EDUHAITIAN

With both of our charities giving a voice to the voiceless and help to children that are finding themselves in what would seem the most helpless situations, we are joining forces to raise as much money/awareness as possible.

We have created a website that will be launched soon with information on both charities, blogs, photos,videos, bucket loads of inspiration and of course ways to support.
It will be called sisters creating change.

Our first challenge to warm us up for the next 6 months was a triathlon.... Now i am TERRIFIED of water, i had a full on panic attack the first swimming session we had. Something that i never expected and something that litterally made me believe that i would be leaving the race in a safety boat as opposed to sprinting the finish line!

My Wave of swimmers

                                       

She made it out alive!!!

Sprint finish of course!

Ohhh Here she comes!

With 3 months hard training we completed our first Triathlon in Dorney lake on the 30th September. Something i am still in shock about, Liv being extremley concerned about her run due to a knee injury and me being in complete terror of the water i almost could not envisage us really crossing that line... but we did and i am so proud. It just goes to show what you can achieve when you set your mind to it.Staring fear in the face and shouting BRING IT ON.

Our PHENOMENAL friends and family cheering us on the whole way.
Thank you SO much x

We did it!
Sisters Creating Change
x

Our next challenge is the 10k Mudrunner in a weeks time - the video is below if you want to see why its earned the name MUDrunner... 
http://www.mudrunner.co.uk/videos.html

As soon as the website goes lives i will post it on here, i really hope my blogs so far will inspire you to support the change i am so desperate to achieve.
Writing about this has been a cross between therapy and torment, living all of it over and over again but i hope that it has given you a true representation of the situation we WILL change.

Thank you so very much for reading and keeping me company on my journey.

Until next time..

Hells  xxx

Bringing it back to Basics

Playtime in Pleven

Our spare time in Pleven was spent in one of only a few places... Firstly our breaks were always spent in the legendary supermarket called life down the road from the institute.
Grigor, Ruth and i would wonder through picking up the most random Bulgarian food and the staple coffee milk carton. Something that became somewhat of an addiction and comfort drink. Man it was so good..

We would come back and sit outside Grigors office on this dingy, barred balcony that resembled something you would see in a  horror film.
When i think about the space we were in it was actually a really depressing place but we had so much fun! we would sit and listen to music, teach Grigor stupid English words, imitate the worst Bulgarian accent we could do... munch on the food and talk about life in general.

When the day had finished we would walk through the streets, different alleys and turns seeing the same people day in day out. I had two favoruites... firstly were the 4 old women that sat on a bench a few doors from the institute that i would joke everyday were the bulgarian Destinys child. Waving and smiling at them as i passed, something that no one does in Bulgaria in the street i must add! they would all light up and grin back at me... i was dying to sing a a Beyonce song with them including the random Bulgy words i knew...

My second fav being the old man that sat on stool on one of the side roads, we passed him everyday and i said to Grigor that it was my mission to get the man to smile and say hello to me at least once in the week.
First  i said hello and got ignored, the next time i got a nod, then i get a nod and a hello, then a nod hello and hand gesture... then on the very last afternoon walking back he tried to stand up with his walking stick smiled said hello and offered me a peach from his tree!!! haha i was astounded and definitely won a free drink from Grigor on our last night!
As meanial as this was it made me think how people are just so frightened to speak to one on another here, it must come from its communism past and the dangers of your neighbour spying on you. 
It seems this has just been carried on despite the collapse of communism being 15 years ago, it made me realise that not all people there are miserable and unfriendly there just frightened.

Everything we did in that week i look back on as such happy, treasured memories and would go back there in a heart beat if i could. I have so much to be thankful for to all of those children, to Grigor and Ruth. That week they truly taught me what was important in my life and what my purpose was.

The Grand Old Duke Of York meets Sector 4

Sector 4 is home for the children in the institute who can walk without assistance and my goodness do you know it! When you walk into a room full of these children who swarm towards you begging for attention and someone to play with them. 

They are full of so much energy and yet they have never been taught how to play with each other and so the only chance they get to be ‘normal’ children is when volunteers are with them! The most exhausting hour of playing, dancing and singing ensues with each child doing everything they can to be the one having that precious moment of one-on-one interaction.

Although severely underdeveloped, you can see such potential in these children if there was any way for them to leave the care system . . . there is no underlying disability merely a lack of opportunity.

It is with this thought that it is truly sickening to see how these children are treated by the carers. One day when we were in the orphanage Grigor had bought some paddling pools for the children – a chance for them to experience something which seems like such a normal childhood activity but is so far distanced from the experience of childhood these kids have had. The carers herded the children out onto the balcony where the paddling pool was and proceeded to dump the children into the water upon which many started to cry from the shock. This seem to make the carers annoyed but instead of letting the children get out, they shouted at them, forced them to sit in the water and splashed water at them – it seemed like they were determined they would make the children have ‘fun’ since it was fun on their terms. It was beyond heartbreaking to see an activity which could have been a precious ray of sunshine in the monotony of these children’s lives turn into punishment for not enjoying it the way the carers wanted them to enjoy it. This was the one break from a life of being in a room with nothing to do other than rock: being forced to sit in soaking wet clothes with 10 other crying children being shouted at for not feeling the way they were ‘supposed’ to feel.

On the opposite end of this we spent wonder-us hours wooshing them through the air singing the grand old duke of york 10,000 times, tickling them, playing chase with them, covering them in dressing up clothes. Oh the list is endless, as i said before these are beautiful little children that are just dying to be played with like any child there age would.
The majority of this sector who are able are the lucky ones, they still have a chance. If they are saved soon.

Bringing it back to basics on Sector one

Sector 1 is the home for the youngest babies in the orphanage, these babies are adorable little things which you pick up and cuddle and sing to like you would any child. You look into their beautiful faces and wonder how anyone could give them up. 
Parents are led to believe that they are giving their children a better life but it’s hard to imagine they know they are passing on their children to live in a place like this and to inherit the future it holds for them. 
These babies have had the least amount of time in social care and so most show the smallest amount of signs of institutionalisation. However, it is clear even from this early age that they have not received the attention and care needed for proper development. Even before 1 year of life has passed the babies start the rocking backwards and forwards that may be their main method of stimulation for the rest of their lives. These babies will not cry when they are wet, soiled or covered in milk they have bought back up after being fed lying on their backs. They know already that when they cry, no-one comes. The only time they will cry is when you stop holding them. It is absolutely heartbreaking to give so much love to these gorgeous children and then have to walk away and see them cry out for the attention they crave so badly. But then you have to realise that there are 3 more rooms of babies rocking.

Something that stands out for me about the orphanage is the pictures on the wall. All around are photos and paintings of smiling, healthy children. It is eerie to see these photos contrasted to the children who live in the home. This is how children should look and if given care and attention in a family environment, these are the children that the babies in sector one could become.

The babies on sector 1 are the ones who fill you with so much despair as you can see in each one what they will become if they stay in institutional care. However, they are also the ones who fill you with the most hope. If plans for deinstitiutionalisation are carried out properly and these children are placed either into loving homes or homes where they receive proper care, these are the children who have the most potential for the future. There are so many childrens, situations that keep you so motivated to create change. For me the babies on sector one just brang it back to basics and reminded you that before all of trauma and neglect damages these children they were all brought into the world just like you and i, and just like you and i they deserve the right to be loved.

One of the one comforting things that i do often is read the blogs from the parents that have adopted children from the institutes, it is litterally mindblowing how these children have changed.
I can't express enough how children have been adopted with distorted limbs with little sign of life to normal happy healthy children.. i have posted a link below of one of my favourites - scroll down and look at the beginning photos of Verity and what she looks like now. 
This alone reminds you that despite all of the above things can really be changed with what you might think are the most damaged of children.

http://theblessingofverity.com/

Unfortunately we weren't allowed to take any photos of the children or near the institute but i have attached a few of where we stayed for you.

I have one more blog to post on my time within the institute and what has happened since i arrived home... i hope the read inspires and informs you.

Thank you again for taking the time to read. It means the world and more.

Hells x

The Standard Volunteer Balcony Breakfast

Our Flat in Pleven - Snazzy Sofas.

My Bulgarian Bedroom

First day in Sofia 

здравей от България or Hello from Bulgaria!

Wow so the first week of volunteering life is officially done... I cant quite figure out whether it went by in the blink of an eye or it feels like i have been doing this a year already?! If you were judging by the circles under my eyes or the excitement i have at the thought of sleeping... maybe its the latter!

I have sat and tried to articulate all the thoughts and feelings i have going around in my head every night since i arrived, i can't tell you how difficult it has been.. you are trying to digest what you are experiencing and make sense of how you feel about it... trying to explain it to anyone that isn't here with you has seemed impossible! 
So, sorry for not updating you sooner - it hasn't been for the lack of trying.. i want to inspire, inform and raise awareness as best i can.

Jumping on the rollercoaster..
Arriving here on saturday morning was a very strange feeling, you have sat and tried to prepare yourself for what you are about to do and you think you are ready to go... then you arrive and you think.. oh.. err... i dont know if im ready for this yet!!!

Lucky for me i flew in with another volunteer, Ruth has been over here a few years ago so knows the emotional rollercoaster that we were both about to jump onto - full of insightful information.
We are staying together with two other volunteers that have already been here for 2 months, in an apartment arranged by the charity. 10 minutes away from the airport, the city centre and the home.
The Monday came around and we all went into the home as a foursome, due to the charity being very much a small one they dont have anyone here representing as such.. they have a contact at each home they are involved with that is a go to person for the volunteers. So If there are already volunteers out here they will spend at least a day with you showing you the ropes, most importantly information on new developments/ issues with the kids so you can make sure that you continue.

The home that TBACT are involved with in Sofia is a new project, it is what they call a 'small group home'. Ultimately the plan in Bulgaria is to close all institutions and put children into small group homes, consisting of around 8 children so that they grow up in more of a family environment and hopefully put a stop to the behaviors children adopt in response to institutionalization.
The home is in a residential area and looks like another family home… you would never know it was a home if there wasn't a little unicef sign outside.

It was cleaner and much better presented then I expected, nice childrens beds, tiled floors, toys everywhere and the children all well clothed and clean.

I was aware that looks can be very much deceiving in the homes/institutes - lots of children can be laid in mess due to carers being slack, l was relieved for them that this wasn't the case..

The Sofia Children

There are 7 children, apart from Ali have all come from different institutions which in turn means there behavior has been severely if not completely influenced by institutionalization.
By this i mean, constant rocking, lip vibrating, screams, lack of speech.. this list can go on and on but there are a few key behavoiurs.

Here are a list of the kids and there problems:

• Layla 12 yrs -  paranoid schizophrenia, blindness, mental retardation, medication neoris
• Oliver 12 years - congenitial blindness, infantile cerebral paralysis, severe mental retardation, epilepsy
• Ali 18 yr old infantile cerebral paralysis, severe mental retardation. medication depakin. 
• James 17 years - diagnosis paranoid schizophrenia, infantile cerebral paralysis, severe mental retardation, medication depakin, olanzapine
• Steven 16 years  - diagnosis glaucoma, infantile cerebral paraylsis, severe mental retardation, cataracts in both eyes, epilepsy. medication depakin, rispolept, akinestat
• Christopher 13 years - Down syndrome, severe mental retardation.
• Jane - Blind

As i'm sure you will agree it's a long, daunting list of problems and long unfamiliar words... many of which in any other circumstance could be controlled or made drastically better.
Unfortunately for these little ones their problems like blindness, which we may class as the most problematic aren't the ones that stand out when you meet them.

Upon meeting all the children i felt suprisingly composed and in control of my emotions, something that i thought i would really struggle with.
It's amazing what you can do when you are actually 'in' a situation as opposed to thinking about it, you just take a breath and embrace it.
The images that i had are all from Kates documentary , this was the institutes at there very worst so i knew that the childrens environments would be considerably better... but all these kids are still a product of that original environment.

The first room that i went into was with James, Steven and Oliver,all sat in there beds, this is completely typical in homes/institutes for varying reasons...mainly it's either that the kids cant move due to disabilities, that they have developed abnormal/ distorted bodies due to being bed bound or lack of physical stimulation so they can no longer move unassisted if at all or they have developed unpredictable/ difficult behavior due to institutionalization , with all of these its easier for the carer if they are left in there beds.

James was sat up in his bed when i walked in, he has scars all over his arms, legs and forehead where he was chained to his bed and wheelchair in his previous care.. horrifying to see as i'm sure you can imagine.
He has movement of upper body but little use of his legs, something i wonder could have been different had he had been encouraged or stimulated. He was screaming with happiness to see the volunteers from before, trying to bum shuffle his way to the end of his bed to be near them. 

The thing that struck me with James was his eyes, he unlike most of them can see… yet there was nothing happening behind his eyes, he just looked at you like you could have been a ball or a table – very little association that you were a person – I wonder whether this is because he has had such little contact with humans on a greater level then someone just changing his nappie ( yes he is still in nappies at 17) changing his clothes or feeding him. 

I guess why would you associate that another human can do anything other if that’s all you have ever known?

I still find that the most difficult thing to comprehend and remember when you are spending time with these kids, although on varying degrees they have had zero human contact physically or mentally their whole life, can you even imagine being 17 and having never engaged in conversation? having the mental age of a toddler? 

So all the steps that we make here may seem so little to you but always remember the condition these precious kids have grown up in.

It was amazing to see his response to the volunteer, considering that he was one of the children that two months ago was shut in a room alone for being too noisy - now he actually has made a connection with someone and feels an emotion for them.

I then moved on to meet Steven, he came from the Mogilino carehome where Kates film was shot, he is 17 and blind -although he doesn't look as developed as an average 17 year old he can still walk and use his limbs normally .
Steven rocks continuously, even when you are sat with him - most of the kids stop when you are interacting with them. When i approached him i sat with him quietly and said hello... let him sniff my hand to identify who i was... i was advised that Steven doesnt respond very well to new people, he took my hand and held it then went back to his rocking... i sat with him for a few more moments then said bye and left him there.
When you are here i think its really important to respect the childrens space, its very easy to smother them with love or try to push interaction with you. Although this is done with your best intentions it something that should very much be encouraged not pushed... you have to understand each child and there boundaries. Engage with them on a level that works best for them which isnt always the easiest for you.

Next it was onto Oliver, 12 years old but looked around 4.. heavily distorted – legs bent and facing the wrong way – no neck muscles due to the fact he has been kept lying on his back most of his life.

He is such a beautiful looking little boy with so much charm and a smile to die for – amazing that even though they have had no engagement there character traits still shine through. 

He has a really infectious smile and despite his blindness and lack of being able to move, he is of such a happy disposition - wonderful to witness.

 I cooed and tickled him for a little while then wondered through into the next room where the rest of the children are.

In this room there are 3 beds led floors, toys everywhere andds were laid on the mat rocking, Christopher who has downs was running around the floor pulling at you and squealing with excitment at your arrival... dispalying a beautiful smile every time you engaged with him.

Ali was lied in the bed at the back of the room, has cerable palsee and was put into the home only last year by her family, her mother was unable to care for her due to her own disablities so handed her over into care.

She is completely bed bound, her bodily heavily distorted and only means of communication is a HUGE smile and movememnt of her hands... ahhh the look on her face when i stroked her head and kissed her was gorgeous.. just that little human touch can mean so much. 

Next i sat near Layla, She is 12 but looks around 8, blind and prone to having mini panic attacks where she decides that she doesnt want to be near you anymore, moves away from you to start rocking and moaning to herself. Trying to engage with her at those moments can conclude in her biting and hitting you - she had also been left in a room alone before the volunteers went in, from what we understand it was due to her attacks and his disruption.. the vols had done incredible work on getting her to re engage with them - after all shutting them away makes them feel like they have been abandoned all over again.
I knew that getting to know her patterns was extremely important if i was going to get anywhere with her development.

What happened next will be a moment that will stay with me forever - I sat down a few feet from Layla and started to sing a song... it's such an easy stimulus that reaches everyone in the room.
A few seconds in her face lit up in this huge smile, she smell sensed where i was and bum shuffled over to me where she snuggled into my neck and put her arms on my lap for some contact. As i stopped she clapped and smiled repeating her name with joy in her voice... i was dumbfounded by the response from her! She can't speak, just says words here and there but mainly her name when she is happy... for something i did to connect with her and make her feel joy and make an attachment/emotion to someone was incredible. How can anyone say these kids can't develop?

Lastly my attentions came to Jane, a little Roma girl with an eye missing. She hasn't had any other diagnosis but displays typical institution traits - rocks, little body development, very little speech, just random words - is able to walk but with assistance and can be all over the place when she does so.
Jane gave us no attention the first day as she had made quite the attachment to another volunteer, once she knows the other volunteer is in the building she isnt interested in anyone else going near her! pretty incredible really, that she can still create an attachment and emotion for someone.
So although i observed her, they was no cuddles and kisses... well not yet anyway.

Our daily routine is that we begin at 9.30am, go in and brush all the kids teeth. something that isn't done as standard. 
Take a child each to the park over the road, making sure that everyone has been taken and is back for lunch at 11.45am for lunch.
Feed them all lunch then go for lunch ourselves and be back by 3pm, once back we feed the kids a banana - something that the volunteers introduced to the carer..So the kids were getting a snack and some fruit in their diet. 
This sounds a very simple introduction yet the carers speak zero english and to introduce anything it has to go through the institutions director... by nature and by history change isn't welcomed with open arms here... how you approach situations here means everything if you want the right outcome.
The afternoon is then ours to stimulate the children, either outside on a play mat or upstairs in the play room.
For the first day Ruth and i just observed and tried to understand how best to interact with the kids, what actions can trigger certain emotions in them etc and how best to deal with each childs displays of emotion.

One thing that struck me was that how in the world does one carer look after 7 heavily affected and disabled children alone? it was mayhem with 5 of us let alone one! Even with all the will in the world it would be difficult to engage with them after doing all the chores, let alone when some of them may not want to do the job in the first place.
It'something that i know is high on the charities agenda. It is all very well closing institutes no one can argue this is a much better option but there needs to be better resource in place to help with the children - otherwise its just the same problem but spread out in 100's of homes. Another reason it is so important to have a constant flow of volunteers working in the homes and building upon the childrens development.

Arriving back to the flat in the evening was very welcome, looking after 7 able children is tiring... times that by a 100 and it just about reflects how mentally tired you feel afterwards! 
It's funny how your mind works when you are out here, what you are seeing is pretty horrific yet here its reality... so although you know its not right you have to acccept it for what it is and work as best as you can - choosing your battles wisely.
I find thinking about it to much doesn't help me, you have to channel it in a way that makes you stay strong and able to give all you can in the present time. The first day it was a case of laying on Ruths bed and anticipating the week we had ahead of us..  

I will update you on the rest of the week in the next few days... ahhh and the mammoth blog is complete.

Thanks again for your interest and support.

Helen x

Child Prisons also known as Bulgarias Baby Institutions

Worlds apart...

Upon leaving Sofia we began the three hour drive north to a small town called Pleven, there had been a few issues with the institute there so we had an afternoons notice and were off on the bus Sunday lunchtime.

It's quite a daunting prospect going to a small town here, i have had the privilege of travelling a lot of different countries over the past few years yet I have to say i was most apprehensive about travelling through Bulgaria.
I think it is a combination of many things from the very little English spoken here to silly things like the different alphabet that make it a difficult place to get around, esspecially when you aren't here living like a tourist but as a local.

The main thing for me is the completely different attitude towards life and people in general , out of everywhere i have been the atmosphere and attitude felt the most foreign to me. Ironic as it is a mere 3 hours away from home.
I have never understood or looked into much about communism or the effects it has on the people that are subject to its rules, arriving here i could almost see it on every persons face that i have come across.
This real sense of hopelessness etched on everyone's faces, like they have given up on everything, been oppressed for so long that having freedom back in their hands left everyone at a loss with what to do with it. I guess it isn't until i felt this that i realized how much hope and excitement is in the air in the UK, believing that we can achieve any dream we set our minds to is something we take for granted when it is so special. In my experience people here aren't as blessed or lucky to have been raised with that outlook.

Arriving into Pleven in the late afternoon we were greeted by the institutes psychiatrist ,Grigor, someone that over the course of the next week would touch my heart and alter my views on life and Bulgarian culture forever.
After dropping us off at the apartment Grigor left and we arranged to meet for coffee later to discuss the current situation at the institute.

Pleven is almost exactly what you expect from a small eastern European town in the countryside; very quiet, almost eary. 
A scattering of people at little cafes/ resturaunts but not to many,a very hot, dry heat and lots of communist influenced buildings everywhere.

We met Grigor near the flat at a coffee shop an hour later, having someone like him to sit down with is/was my idea of heaven,i have longed to speak to someone that has experience and a complete understanding of institutionalization from beginning to end.

Grigor is an incredibly personable man that speaks with such an overwhelming amount of passion, i was in awe of his opinion and thoughts on the subject from the word go.
I think what struck me the most was that despite the fact he has worked in this system for so long he hasn't become desensitized to it, he is still here everyday working away and striving for change as if he had just discovered it.
With that in mind i fired my 10,000 questions over to the poor man and left with an overwhelming feeling of excitement for the week ahead, knowing that we had access to understand so much more through Grigor was an incredibly exciting feeling.

Emotions on the first day..

Our first day in the institute came and i was much more nervous about the way i would feel then when i entered the small group home.. this wasn't 7 children in a nice home anymore, this was 160 children in an institution.
As we approached the institute after our 20 minute walk from the flat it looked how i expected, like a huge old Eastern European Prison... everything looking very old and falling apart.
There is a park that sits out the front of the main entrance, filled with Babas and their designated children. An amazing sight to see, 47 Babas in total meaning that over half of the children in Pleven have 5 hours of one on one interaction and development 5 days a week. When you see what they are subject to for the remaining 19 hours of the day this is simply invaluable.

Upon arrival at the institute the director wanted to interview myself and Ruth to find out why we were there, what our backgrounds were with children etc... this was a result of of the problems they had had the previous week.
I am unsure of the exact detail but know that the two volunteers practically had to beg to be allowed in just to help the children, so we were in full knowledge that we may have a fight on our hands.
Grigor had called on the director who said she was busy, we waited out on the steps playing with the kids in the park, hours went past with Grigor off doing his job and coming back out every hour apologizing that the director was being so uncooperative. He had scheduled in time with her but now she had decided she was to busy to see us, typical volitile behavior of a director over here.
Five hours later, we were suddenly allowed in, no interview or questions asked - an example of how things work here in the 'care' system, not by logical thinking just by what the people in power feel like doing that day, that hour, that minute.

What we were about to experience would show how the behavior from the top filtered through to the very bottom and shocked you through to the core..

Hells.x

Sunshine and Sorrow on Sector Six

How the institution is set up..

The institute is made up of 6 sectors that are spread out across different floors of the institute, sector one through to four being split up between babies upto a year old, 1 -2 year olds, 3 year olds and 4 year olds. 
Sector 6 is made up of children that have either been born with severe medical problems or have been so heavily affected by institutionalization that they are now in an extreme position of physical and mental dysfunction.
Then you have Chronically ill, a sector that may as well have be named ' The dying rooms' because the children are classed as never being able to get better. 
One child had a severe case of epilepsy and another a severe case of her skin peeling.. whilst i'm sure there is depth to there issues, do they sound like chronicle diseases to you?  

What it looks like...

If you imagine the sectors to be set out like a maternity unit with every room being windowed. 
So you have a corridor and one side is where all the childrens rooms and the playrooms are, because each room is windowed you can just see through into room upon room throughout the sector.. and the other side of the corridor will be where the carers offices and the kitchens are etc.

The first thing that hits you is the difference in each parts of the building, when you walk in there is a guy that 'mans' the door. Which really means he sits behind a school like desk on an old chair reading a magazine. The lift is something i have never seen, the door is an actual door that opens into a wooden box that is the lift.. that works most of the time but tends to stop imbetween floors.
Some sectors are beautifully painted with cartoons and clean tiled floors where as others are something out of an old, abandoned 1980's hospital that looks like it needs a serious lick of paint.
I'm not sure what determined which floor or should i say room getst a make over, but it was like a flash of different centuries thrown into one building.

Daily routine..

The way that the week worked in terms of daily routine i think varied from what other volunteers had experienced. With there only being two of us ( there has been up to 20 volunteers at one time) joined with the fact that relations with the institute director weren't fantastic meant that flexibility and freedom for us was going to be limited.
So everyday we would meet Grigor at the flat and walked to the institute, a great opportunity to brief the day ahead and talk about all things institutions and Bulgarian history with Grigor.

We would enter the mystery maze that is the walk to Grigors office on the bottom floor, down through the first lift.. through a sector, down in another lift, along some stairs and there we are.
Going anywhere alone in the institute is always a brave move because it is such a huge building with such an illogical layout that you would literally never find your way back!

Once we had dropped our stuff off you always found yourself in the playroom next to the office where children from all sectors were taken for their quality time with the baba's, in here there are play houses, mats, a ball pit and some toys for the kids to amuse themselves with.
You could spend hours in here without even realizing, doing intensive interaction with kids from sector 6, playing with babies from sector 1 or just talking to Grigor about particular children's issues or how far they have come since having there Baba.
You had to remind yourself that these kids are finally getting there one on one time and there are kids upstairs rocking in cots that need you.

It's very difficult to walk through any of the institute and not just stop and play, cuddle or in someway interact with children, you could spend your whole day walking somewhere and end up just stopping at windows, in hallways or even in lifts just giving them love.

You become familiar with the children whose beds are closest to the windows on the route you have to take to Grigors office, one of them being Daniel.
He was on sector 2, despite the fact he was 7 he looked around 2 years old but without the normal puppy fat a child of that age would have. 
Daniel was very skinny, borderline malnourished, he almost appeared to have such long arms and legs. I guess bones without any muscle or weight on them they will always appear longer.

He would always be stood up in his bed with that face you have when you have just woken up and someone turned the lights on - totally bewildered.
Vibrating spit through his lips and looking at his hand as if it was something had never ever seen before - typical institutionalized behavior 
As soon as he saw you this smile would appear and take up every inch of his little face, you would go through and coo over him. Where he would just look at you in complete awe and almost disbelief, concentrating on any action you made or face you pulled.

Of all the times i passed that window on the first few days i always felt like i never saw Daniel out of his bed, not even to be locked in a room with all the other kids.
You almost make a mental note that when you come onto that particular sector you make sure you come and get him, it is very easy with the large numbers on sectors to get caught up with the children that they initially give you and forget that there are still more lying in beds down a hallway.

Choosing between children..

Everyday Grigor would ask us which sectors we would like to divide our time between for the day. Silly as it sounds it's such an emotionally charged question - How do you choose which kids most need you? there are 160 of them and two of you to go around.

Especially as Once you have met the children on a sector their faces are etched into your brain, even though you knew all these children were there, they are just a statistic up until that moment.

So you obviously have a pull towards the ones you have been to already because now you know that they are there, you have seen them, you know exactly what those children are doing when you aren't there. 

Naturally it feels wrong to not go back and stop that from happening, but the other half of you knows there are floors more of children that need you.
A very unfamiliar and difficult thought process to adopt and try to rationalize.

The first few days we split our time between sector 2,3 and 6, Sector 6 is an experience that still echoes through me..

Sector 6

Sector 6 to me felt like an outer body experience, as i said before it's where children are
 kept that are born with medical problems or have been so heavily affected by institutionalization that they are now in a severe state of mental and physical dysfunction.

You walk onto this sector where the first thing that hits you is the smell of stale uncleaned teeth, where there are roughly 30 children laying in beds totally silent.. the only thing that you can hear is the constant grinding of the there teeth. 
Something that echos around the whole of the institute, a noise that makes me quiver just thinking about it. 
Can you imagine walking into a room, a floor or even a house that had 30 wide awake children under 15 and not a single sound?

The staff on this sector are amongst the most unwelcoming in the institute, not even pretending to care about the children while you are there.
From propping up feeding bottles into childrens mouths that are unable to move,that end up choking and ultimately being sick on themselves to the children being left with food on their skin for so long that when you come to clean them their skin comes off with it.
These people that call themselves 'carers' do not believe or have any respect for human life within that building. 
It is incredible how quickly you adapt to this kind of behaviour, you would think that you would run around punching and screaming at these people all day long but you have to wisen up to the fact that it solves nothing. Whilst you are there you have to ignore this behavouir and step in where you can and choose your battles wisely. Don't spend a second of time being angry with them, spend it giving love and happiness to a child that has never experienced it.

Of the first few rooms that occupy sector 6 there are 3 babies that have hydrocephalus, which is a buildup of fluid inside the skull that leads to brain swelling. Usually known in the UK as  "water on the brain."

There are different variations of hydrocephalus, what i witnessed was exactly like the below..



Seeing a childs face and body lost in a head that is around 3 times the size of your own is like someone playing a sick joke with your mind. 
Like everything here this is avoidable and unnecessary - it is a choice to let children exist and die this way. 

I am told that in the UK hydrocephalus is something that you can be born with but is easily dealt with and managed at birth.
As i understand it in Bulgaria if you don't have the means to pay for this procedure you live and die by it just as quickly.
Water keeps flooding your head and suffocates your brain until eventually you pass away.

The idea of this happening for no reason just mind boggles me...


The other children in the first few rooms are tiny little things, ranging from 1 year olds through to kids that are around 12-15. There size resembling those of a 4 to 7 year old.
All laid in positions that there bodies are now almost molded into, it varies but many are hunched over to the side like you are when you wake up in the morning - curled over into a ball.
There bodies have stiffened to this position through lack of movement from birth amongst what i would imagine is there muscle memory having no idea how to move anymore.

Before the Baba's came the interaction they received was merely a poor form of physical contact, a carer coming and feeding them or changing there nappy a few times a day. 
Then nothing. hours, days, weeks and years just laid in the same position in the same cot in the same room.
Now with many children having Baba's they have 5 hours of intensive interaction, massage to try and work on improving as much as possible in the time they have everyday. Something that with consistency can literally change this childs quality of life forever.
  You can almost sense exactly who the ones are that have Baba's, they respond to you with a smile, body movement or through speech - something that isn't heard of throughout the building. Whereas others just lie still looking at you, with no sign of life other then them moving there eyes and blinking occasionally.

All the children aren't fortunate to have been allocated Babas yet through lack of funding - something i hope to change with my fundraising projects this year.

Sunshine peering into Sector 6

The beam of gorgeous sunlight in Sector six was Maria ,we first met her when the Baba's were throwing her a birthday party on our first day.
From the moment you walked in she beamed at you with these huge brown eyes, eyes that were actually filled with life.
Instantly she was very alert and aware that the other children in the room were actually people not possessions, something that might sound insane yet she was the only child that i came across that understood this.

Maria's eyes darted around the room, her trying to see how she could walk over to you... she was the size of 6 year old ( despite that being half her age) and although able bodied and very well developed she couldn't walk un assisted.
I think this was more due to the fact that she has never practiced to so has developed a fear of it, grabbing onto all things around her so she can make her way to you.

As soon as she was with Ruth and i she threw her arms up and down continuously shouting  Maria go weeeeeeeeeeeeee - kaka? kaka? Maria go weeeeeeeee'

Kaka is sister in Bulgarian and how you are introduced to all the kids, Kaka Helen, she had clearly been thrown up and down in the air by volunteers and now mimics the noise and actions the whole time you are with her just laughing away to herself.
She is just the biggest drop of sunlight you could imagine, to see a little girl like her actually radiate such happiness and be so aware was incredible in such a lifeless place.

When you saw Maria around the institute you knew she was favored by staff, she was always taken on meal rounds and laundry runs so not confined to her cot all day. With her ability to actually communicate with you, either by nodding or shaking her head, pointing at things or laughing away it was easy for them to integrate her.
You always had a sense of relief that she was going to be ok, but when you would wonder onto sector six through all the rooms of such neglect you would get to the end and see her through the window in her cot with her little doll. A reminder that she was still a institutionalized little girl. 
As soon as she saw you she was grinning and pointing for you to come through and weeee her up and down, i would play hide and seek with her through the window or go in and tickle her...ah that smile just fills me with such joy!

On leaving the sector one day Grigor and i were chatting about her, he pointed out that Maria hasn't always been like that, only a matter of months ago was she a screaming, self harming irrational little girl giving off all the institutionalization behaviors - it is purely through her Baba and volunteers that she has developed into somewhat a normal little girl.
To actually witness what this contact can really do is astounding - it reminds you that you can't give up on them, children have the power to amaze you no matter what terror they have been through. Something that i will keep with me on my journey to raise more funds and attract as many volunteers as possible whilst the problem is still being reformed.


My next move was to Sector 2, a sector that i have never felt more purposeful, wanted or given such an unconditional amount of love.

Thank you so much for reading... 

Hells x