здравей от България or Hello from Bulgaria!

Wow so the first week of volunteering life is officially done... I cant quite figure out whether it went by in the blink of an eye or it feels like i have been doing this a year already?! If you were judging by the circles under my eyes or the excitement i have at the thought of sleeping... maybe its the latter!

I have sat and tried to articulate all the thoughts and feelings i have going around in my head every night since i arrived, i can't tell you how difficult it has been.. you are trying to digest what you are experiencing and make sense of how you feel about it... trying to explain it to anyone that isn't here with you has seemed impossible! 
So, sorry for not updating you sooner - it hasn't been for the lack of trying.. i want to inspire, inform and raise awareness as best i can.

Jumping on the rollercoaster..
Arriving here on saturday morning was a very strange feeling, you have sat and tried to prepare yourself for what you are about to do and you think you are ready to go... then you arrive and you think.. oh.. err... i dont know if im ready for this yet!!!

Lucky for me i flew in with another volunteer, Ruth has been over here a few years ago so knows the emotional rollercoaster that we were both about to jump onto - full of insightful information.
We are staying together with two other volunteers that have already been here for 2 months, in an apartment arranged by the charity. 10 minutes away from the airport, the city centre and the home.
The Monday came around and we all went into the home as a foursome, due to the charity being very much a small one they dont have anyone here representing as such.. they have a contact at each home they are involved with that is a go to person for the volunteers. So If there are already volunteers out here they will spend at least a day with you showing you the ropes, most importantly information on new developments/ issues with the kids so you can make sure that you continue.

The home that TBACT are involved with in Sofia is a new project, it is what they call a 'small group home'. Ultimately the plan in Bulgaria is to close all institutions and put children into small group homes, consisting of around 8 children so that they grow up in more of a family environment and hopefully put a stop to the behaviors children adopt in response to institutionalization.
The home is in a residential area and looks like another family home… you would never know it was a home if there wasn't a little unicef sign outside.

It was cleaner and much better presented then I expected, nice childrens beds, tiled floors, toys everywhere and the children all well clothed and clean.

I was aware that looks can be very much deceiving in the homes/institutes - lots of children can be laid in mess due to carers being slack, l was relieved for them that this wasn't the case..

The Sofia Children

There are 7 children, apart from Ali have all come from different institutions which in turn means there behavior has been severely if not completely influenced by institutionalization.
By this i mean, constant rocking, lip vibrating, screams, lack of speech.. this list can go on and on but there are a few key behavoiurs.

Here are a list of the kids and there problems:

• Layla 12 yrs -  paranoid schizophrenia, blindness, mental retardation, medication neoris
• Oliver 12 years - congenitial blindness, infantile cerebral paralysis, severe mental retardation, epilepsy
• Ali 18 yr old infantile cerebral paralysis, severe mental retardation. medication depakin. 
• James 17 years - diagnosis paranoid schizophrenia, infantile cerebral paralysis, severe mental retardation, medication depakin, olanzapine
• Steven 16 years  - diagnosis glaucoma, infantile cerebral paraylsis, severe mental retardation, cataracts in both eyes, epilepsy. medication depakin, rispolept, akinestat
• Christopher 13 years - Down syndrome, severe mental retardation.
• Jane - Blind

As i'm sure you will agree it's a long, daunting list of problems and long unfamiliar words... many of which in any other circumstance could be controlled or made drastically better.
Unfortunately for these little ones their problems like blindness, which we may class as the most problematic aren't the ones that stand out when you meet them.

Upon meeting all the children i felt suprisingly composed and in control of my emotions, something that i thought i would really struggle with.
It's amazing what you can do when you are actually 'in' a situation as opposed to thinking about it, you just take a breath and embrace it.
The images that i had are all from Kates documentary , this was the institutes at there very worst so i knew that the childrens environments would be considerably better... but all these kids are still a product of that original environment.

The first room that i went into was with James, Steven and Oliver,all sat in there beds, this is completely typical in homes/institutes for varying reasons...mainly it's either that the kids cant move due to disabilities, that they have developed abnormal/ distorted bodies due to being bed bound or lack of physical stimulation so they can no longer move unassisted if at all or they have developed unpredictable/ difficult behavior due to institutionalization , with all of these its easier for the carer if they are left in there beds.

James was sat up in his bed when i walked in, he has scars all over his arms, legs and forehead where he was chained to his bed and wheelchair in his previous care.. horrifying to see as i'm sure you can imagine.
He has movement of upper body but little use of his legs, something i wonder could have been different had he had been encouraged or stimulated. He was screaming with happiness to see the volunteers from before, trying to bum shuffle his way to the end of his bed to be near them. 

The thing that struck me with James was his eyes, he unlike most of them can see… yet there was nothing happening behind his eyes, he just looked at you like you could have been a ball or a table – very little association that you were a person – I wonder whether this is because he has had such little contact with humans on a greater level then someone just changing his nappie ( yes he is still in nappies at 17) changing his clothes or feeding him. 

I guess why would you associate that another human can do anything other if that’s all you have ever known?

I still find that the most difficult thing to comprehend and remember when you are spending time with these kids, although on varying degrees they have had zero human contact physically or mentally their whole life, can you even imagine being 17 and having never engaged in conversation? having the mental age of a toddler? 

So all the steps that we make here may seem so little to you but always remember the condition these precious kids have grown up in.

It was amazing to see his response to the volunteer, considering that he was one of the children that two months ago was shut in a room alone for being too noisy - now he actually has made a connection with someone and feels an emotion for them.

I then moved on to meet Steven, he came from the Mogilino carehome where Kates film was shot, he is 17 and blind -although he doesn't look as developed as an average 17 year old he can still walk and use his limbs normally .
Steven rocks continuously, even when you are sat with him - most of the kids stop when you are interacting with them. When i approached him i sat with him quietly and said hello... let him sniff my hand to identify who i was... i was advised that Steven doesnt respond very well to new people, he took my hand and held it then went back to his rocking... i sat with him for a few more moments then said bye and left him there.
When you are here i think its really important to respect the childrens space, its very easy to smother them with love or try to push interaction with you. Although this is done with your best intentions it something that should very much be encouraged not pushed... you have to understand each child and there boundaries. Engage with them on a level that works best for them which isnt always the easiest for you.

Next it was onto Oliver, 12 years old but looked around 4.. heavily distorted – legs bent and facing the wrong way – no neck muscles due to the fact he has been kept lying on his back most of his life.

He is such a beautiful looking little boy with so much charm and a smile to die for – amazing that even though they have had no engagement there character traits still shine through. 

He has a really infectious smile and despite his blindness and lack of being able to move, he is of such a happy disposition - wonderful to witness.

 I cooed and tickled him for a little while then wondered through into the next room where the rest of the children are.

In this room there are 3 beds led floors, toys everywhere andds were laid on the mat rocking, Christopher who has downs was running around the floor pulling at you and squealing with excitment at your arrival... dispalying a beautiful smile every time you engaged with him.

Ali was lied in the bed at the back of the room, has cerable palsee and was put into the home only last year by her family, her mother was unable to care for her due to her own disablities so handed her over into care.

She is completely bed bound, her bodily heavily distorted and only means of communication is a HUGE smile and movememnt of her hands... ahhh the look on her face when i stroked her head and kissed her was gorgeous.. just that little human touch can mean so much. 

Next i sat near Layla, She is 12 but looks around 8, blind and prone to having mini panic attacks where she decides that she doesnt want to be near you anymore, moves away from you to start rocking and moaning to herself. Trying to engage with her at those moments can conclude in her biting and hitting you - she had also been left in a room alone before the volunteers went in, from what we understand it was due to her attacks and his disruption.. the vols had done incredible work on getting her to re engage with them - after all shutting them away makes them feel like they have been abandoned all over again.
I knew that getting to know her patterns was extremely important if i was going to get anywhere with her development.

What happened next will be a moment that will stay with me forever - I sat down a few feet from Layla and started to sing a song... it's such an easy stimulus that reaches everyone in the room.
A few seconds in her face lit up in this huge smile, she smell sensed where i was and bum shuffled over to me where she snuggled into my neck and put her arms on my lap for some contact. As i stopped she clapped and smiled repeating her name with joy in her voice... i was dumbfounded by the response from her! She can't speak, just says words here and there but mainly her name when she is happy... for something i did to connect with her and make her feel joy and make an attachment/emotion to someone was incredible. How can anyone say these kids can't develop?

Lastly my attentions came to Jane, a little Roma girl with an eye missing. She hasn't had any other diagnosis but displays typical institution traits - rocks, little body development, very little speech, just random words - is able to walk but with assistance and can be all over the place when she does so.
Jane gave us no attention the first day as she had made quite the attachment to another volunteer, once she knows the other volunteer is in the building she isnt interested in anyone else going near her! pretty incredible really, that she can still create an attachment and emotion for someone.
So although i observed her, they was no cuddles and kisses... well not yet anyway.

Our daily routine is that we begin at 9.30am, go in and brush all the kids teeth. something that isn't done as standard. 
Take a child each to the park over the road, making sure that everyone has been taken and is back for lunch at 11.45am for lunch.
Feed them all lunch then go for lunch ourselves and be back by 3pm, once back we feed the kids a banana - something that the volunteers introduced to the carer..So the kids were getting a snack and some fruit in their diet. 
This sounds a very simple introduction yet the carers speak zero english and to introduce anything it has to go through the institutions director... by nature and by history change isn't welcomed with open arms here... how you approach situations here means everything if you want the right outcome.
The afternoon is then ours to stimulate the children, either outside on a play mat or upstairs in the play room.
For the first day Ruth and i just observed and tried to understand how best to interact with the kids, what actions can trigger certain emotions in them etc and how best to deal with each childs displays of emotion.

One thing that struck me was that how in the world does one carer look after 7 heavily affected and disabled children alone? it was mayhem with 5 of us let alone one! Even with all the will in the world it would be difficult to engage with them after doing all the chores, let alone when some of them may not want to do the job in the first place.
It'something that i know is high on the charities agenda. It is all very well closing institutes no one can argue this is a much better option but there needs to be better resource in place to help with the children - otherwise its just the same problem but spread out in 100's of homes. Another reason it is so important to have a constant flow of volunteers working in the homes and building upon the childrens development.

Arriving back to the flat in the evening was very welcome, looking after 7 able children is tiring... times that by a 100 and it just about reflects how mentally tired you feel afterwards! 
It's funny how your mind works when you are out here, what you are seeing is pretty horrific yet here its reality... so although you know its not right you have to acccept it for what it is and work as best as you can - choosing your battles wisely.
I find thinking about it to much doesn't help me, you have to channel it in a way that makes you stay strong and able to give all you can in the present time. The first day it was a case of laying on Ruths bed and anticipating the week we had ahead of us..  

I will update you on the rest of the week in the next few days... ahhh and the mammoth blog is complete.

Thanks again for your interest and support.

Helen x

Child Prisons also known as Bulgarias Baby Institutions

Worlds apart...

Upon leaving Sofia we began the three hour drive north to a small town called Pleven, there had been a few issues with the institute there so we had an afternoons notice and were off on the bus Sunday lunchtime.

It's quite a daunting prospect going to a small town here, i have had the privilege of travelling a lot of different countries over the past few years yet I have to say i was most apprehensive about travelling through Bulgaria.
I think it is a combination of many things from the very little English spoken here to silly things like the different alphabet that make it a difficult place to get around, esspecially when you aren't here living like a tourist but as a local.

The main thing for me is the completely different attitude towards life and people in general , out of everywhere i have been the atmosphere and attitude felt the most foreign to me. Ironic as it is a mere 3 hours away from home.
I have never understood or looked into much about communism or the effects it has on the people that are subject to its rules, arriving here i could almost see it on every persons face that i have come across.
This real sense of hopelessness etched on everyone's faces, like they have given up on everything, been oppressed for so long that having freedom back in their hands left everyone at a loss with what to do with it. I guess it isn't until i felt this that i realized how much hope and excitement is in the air in the UK, believing that we can achieve any dream we set our minds to is something we take for granted when it is so special. In my experience people here aren't as blessed or lucky to have been raised with that outlook.

Arriving into Pleven in the late afternoon we were greeted by the institutes psychiatrist ,Grigor, someone that over the course of the next week would touch my heart and alter my views on life and Bulgarian culture forever.
After dropping us off at the apartment Grigor left and we arranged to meet for coffee later to discuss the current situation at the institute.

Pleven is almost exactly what you expect from a small eastern European town in the countryside; very quiet, almost eary. 
A scattering of people at little cafes/ resturaunts but not to many,a very hot, dry heat and lots of communist influenced buildings everywhere.

We met Grigor near the flat at a coffee shop an hour later, having someone like him to sit down with is/was my idea of heaven,i have longed to speak to someone that has experience and a complete understanding of institutionalization from beginning to end.

Grigor is an incredibly personable man that speaks with such an overwhelming amount of passion, i was in awe of his opinion and thoughts on the subject from the word go.
I think what struck me the most was that despite the fact he has worked in this system for so long he hasn't become desensitized to it, he is still here everyday working away and striving for change as if he had just discovered it.
With that in mind i fired my 10,000 questions over to the poor man and left with an overwhelming feeling of excitement for the week ahead, knowing that we had access to understand so much more through Grigor was an incredibly exciting feeling.

Emotions on the first day..

Our first day in the institute came and i was much more nervous about the way i would feel then when i entered the small group home.. this wasn't 7 children in a nice home anymore, this was 160 children in an institution.
As we approached the institute after our 20 minute walk from the flat it looked how i expected, like a huge old Eastern European Prison... everything looking very old and falling apart.
There is a park that sits out the front of the main entrance, filled with Babas and their designated children. An amazing sight to see, 47 Babas in total meaning that over half of the children in Pleven have 5 hours of one on one interaction and development 5 days a week. When you see what they are subject to for the remaining 19 hours of the day this is simply invaluable.

Upon arrival at the institute the director wanted to interview myself and Ruth to find out why we were there, what our backgrounds were with children etc... this was a result of of the problems they had had the previous week.
I am unsure of the exact detail but know that the two volunteers practically had to beg to be allowed in just to help the children, so we were in full knowledge that we may have a fight on our hands.
Grigor had called on the director who said she was busy, we waited out on the steps playing with the kids in the park, hours went past with Grigor off doing his job and coming back out every hour apologizing that the director was being so uncooperative. He had scheduled in time with her but now she had decided she was to busy to see us, typical volitile behavior of a director over here.
Five hours later, we were suddenly allowed in, no interview or questions asked - an example of how things work here in the 'care' system, not by logical thinking just by what the people in power feel like doing that day, that hour, that minute.

What we were about to experience would show how the behavior from the top filtered through to the very bottom and shocked you through to the core..

Hells.x

Sunshine and Sorrow on Sector Six

How the institution is set up..

The institute is made up of 6 sectors that are spread out across different floors of the institute, sector one through to four being split up between babies upto a year old, 1 -2 year olds, 3 year olds and 4 year olds. 
Sector 6 is made up of children that have either been born with severe medical problems or have been so heavily affected by institutionalization that they are now in an extreme position of physical and mental dysfunction.
Then you have Chronically ill, a sector that may as well have be named ' The dying rooms' because the children are classed as never being able to get better. 
One child had a severe case of epilepsy and another a severe case of her skin peeling.. whilst i'm sure there is depth to there issues, do they sound like chronicle diseases to you?  

What it looks like...

If you imagine the sectors to be set out like a maternity unit with every room being windowed. 
So you have a corridor and one side is where all the childrens rooms and the playrooms are, because each room is windowed you can just see through into room upon room throughout the sector.. and the other side of the corridor will be where the carers offices and the kitchens are etc.

The first thing that hits you is the difference in each parts of the building, when you walk in there is a guy that 'mans' the door. Which really means he sits behind a school like desk on an old chair reading a magazine. The lift is something i have never seen, the door is an actual door that opens into a wooden box that is the lift.. that works most of the time but tends to stop imbetween floors.
Some sectors are beautifully painted with cartoons and clean tiled floors where as others are something out of an old, abandoned 1980's hospital that looks like it needs a serious lick of paint.
I'm not sure what determined which floor or should i say room getst a make over, but it was like a flash of different centuries thrown into one building.

Daily routine..

The way that the week worked in terms of daily routine i think varied from what other volunteers had experienced. With there only being two of us ( there has been up to 20 volunteers at one time) joined with the fact that relations with the institute director weren't fantastic meant that flexibility and freedom for us was going to be limited.
So everyday we would meet Grigor at the flat and walked to the institute, a great opportunity to brief the day ahead and talk about all things institutions and Bulgarian history with Grigor.

We would enter the mystery maze that is the walk to Grigors office on the bottom floor, down through the first lift.. through a sector, down in another lift, along some stairs and there we are.
Going anywhere alone in the institute is always a brave move because it is such a huge building with such an illogical layout that you would literally never find your way back!

Once we had dropped our stuff off you always found yourself in the playroom next to the office where children from all sectors were taken for their quality time with the baba's, in here there are play houses, mats, a ball pit and some toys for the kids to amuse themselves with.
You could spend hours in here without even realizing, doing intensive interaction with kids from sector 6, playing with babies from sector 1 or just talking to Grigor about particular children's issues or how far they have come since having there Baba.
You had to remind yourself that these kids are finally getting there one on one time and there are kids upstairs rocking in cots that need you.

It's very difficult to walk through any of the institute and not just stop and play, cuddle or in someway interact with children, you could spend your whole day walking somewhere and end up just stopping at windows, in hallways or even in lifts just giving them love.

You become familiar with the children whose beds are closest to the windows on the route you have to take to Grigors office, one of them being Daniel.
He was on sector 2, despite the fact he was 7 he looked around 2 years old but without the normal puppy fat a child of that age would have. 
Daniel was very skinny, borderline malnourished, he almost appeared to have such long arms and legs. I guess bones without any muscle or weight on them they will always appear longer.

He would always be stood up in his bed with that face you have when you have just woken up and someone turned the lights on - totally bewildered.
Vibrating spit through his lips and looking at his hand as if it was something had never ever seen before - typical institutionalized behavior 
As soon as he saw you this smile would appear and take up every inch of his little face, you would go through and coo over him. Where he would just look at you in complete awe and almost disbelief, concentrating on any action you made or face you pulled.

Of all the times i passed that window on the first few days i always felt like i never saw Daniel out of his bed, not even to be locked in a room with all the other kids.
You almost make a mental note that when you come onto that particular sector you make sure you come and get him, it is very easy with the large numbers on sectors to get caught up with the children that they initially give you and forget that there are still more lying in beds down a hallway.

Choosing between children..

Everyday Grigor would ask us which sectors we would like to divide our time between for the day. Silly as it sounds it's such an emotionally charged question - How do you choose which kids most need you? there are 160 of them and two of you to go around.

Especially as Once you have met the children on a sector their faces are etched into your brain, even though you knew all these children were there, they are just a statistic up until that moment.

So you obviously have a pull towards the ones you have been to already because now you know that they are there, you have seen them, you know exactly what those children are doing when you aren't there. 

Naturally it feels wrong to not go back and stop that from happening, but the other half of you knows there are floors more of children that need you.
A very unfamiliar and difficult thought process to adopt and try to rationalize.

The first few days we split our time between sector 2,3 and 6, Sector 6 is an experience that still echoes through me..

Sector 6

Sector 6 to me felt like an outer body experience, as i said before it's where children are
 kept that are born with medical problems or have been so heavily affected by institutionalization that they are now in a severe state of mental and physical dysfunction.

You walk onto this sector where the first thing that hits you is the smell of stale uncleaned teeth, where there are roughly 30 children laying in beds totally silent.. the only thing that you can hear is the constant grinding of the there teeth. 
Something that echos around the whole of the institute, a noise that makes me quiver just thinking about it. 
Can you imagine walking into a room, a floor or even a house that had 30 wide awake children under 15 and not a single sound?

The staff on this sector are amongst the most unwelcoming in the institute, not even pretending to care about the children while you are there.
From propping up feeding bottles into childrens mouths that are unable to move,that end up choking and ultimately being sick on themselves to the children being left with food on their skin for so long that when you come to clean them their skin comes off with it.
These people that call themselves 'carers' do not believe or have any respect for human life within that building. 
It is incredible how quickly you adapt to this kind of behaviour, you would think that you would run around punching and screaming at these people all day long but you have to wisen up to the fact that it solves nothing. Whilst you are there you have to ignore this behavouir and step in where you can and choose your battles wisely. Don't spend a second of time being angry with them, spend it giving love and happiness to a child that has never experienced it.

Of the first few rooms that occupy sector 6 there are 3 babies that have hydrocephalus, which is a buildup of fluid inside the skull that leads to brain swelling. Usually known in the UK as  "water on the brain."

There are different variations of hydrocephalus, what i witnessed was exactly like the below..



Seeing a childs face and body lost in a head that is around 3 times the size of your own is like someone playing a sick joke with your mind. 
Like everything here this is avoidable and unnecessary - it is a choice to let children exist and die this way. 

I am told that in the UK hydrocephalus is something that you can be born with but is easily dealt with and managed at birth.
As i understand it in Bulgaria if you don't have the means to pay for this procedure you live and die by it just as quickly.
Water keeps flooding your head and suffocates your brain until eventually you pass away.

The idea of this happening for no reason just mind boggles me...


The other children in the first few rooms are tiny little things, ranging from 1 year olds through to kids that are around 12-15. There size resembling those of a 4 to 7 year old.
All laid in positions that there bodies are now almost molded into, it varies but many are hunched over to the side like you are when you wake up in the morning - curled over into a ball.
There bodies have stiffened to this position through lack of movement from birth amongst what i would imagine is there muscle memory having no idea how to move anymore.

Before the Baba's came the interaction they received was merely a poor form of physical contact, a carer coming and feeding them or changing there nappy a few times a day. 
Then nothing. hours, days, weeks and years just laid in the same position in the same cot in the same room.
Now with many children having Baba's they have 5 hours of intensive interaction, massage to try and work on improving as much as possible in the time they have everyday. Something that with consistency can literally change this childs quality of life forever.
  You can almost sense exactly who the ones are that have Baba's, they respond to you with a smile, body movement or through speech - something that isn't heard of throughout the building. Whereas others just lie still looking at you, with no sign of life other then them moving there eyes and blinking occasionally.

All the children aren't fortunate to have been allocated Babas yet through lack of funding - something i hope to change with my fundraising projects this year.

Sunshine peering into Sector 6

The beam of gorgeous sunlight in Sector six was Maria ,we first met her when the Baba's were throwing her a birthday party on our first day.
From the moment you walked in she beamed at you with these huge brown eyes, eyes that were actually filled with life.
Instantly she was very alert and aware that the other children in the room were actually people not possessions, something that might sound insane yet she was the only child that i came across that understood this.

Maria's eyes darted around the room, her trying to see how she could walk over to you... she was the size of 6 year old ( despite that being half her age) and although able bodied and very well developed she couldn't walk un assisted.
I think this was more due to the fact that she has never practiced to so has developed a fear of it, grabbing onto all things around her so she can make her way to you.

As soon as she was with Ruth and i she threw her arms up and down continuously shouting  Maria go weeeeeeeeeeeeee - kaka? kaka? Maria go weeeeeeeee'

Kaka is sister in Bulgarian and how you are introduced to all the kids, Kaka Helen, she had clearly been thrown up and down in the air by volunteers and now mimics the noise and actions the whole time you are with her just laughing away to herself.
She is just the biggest drop of sunlight you could imagine, to see a little girl like her actually radiate such happiness and be so aware was incredible in such a lifeless place.

When you saw Maria around the institute you knew she was favored by staff, she was always taken on meal rounds and laundry runs so not confined to her cot all day. With her ability to actually communicate with you, either by nodding or shaking her head, pointing at things or laughing away it was easy for them to integrate her.
You always had a sense of relief that she was going to be ok, but when you would wonder onto sector six through all the rooms of such neglect you would get to the end and see her through the window in her cot with her little doll. A reminder that she was still a institutionalized little girl. 
As soon as she saw you she was grinning and pointing for you to come through and weeee her up and down, i would play hide and seek with her through the window or go in and tickle her...ah that smile just fills me with such joy!

On leaving the sector one day Grigor and i were chatting about her, he pointed out that Maria hasn't always been like that, only a matter of months ago was she a screaming, self harming irrational little girl giving off all the institutionalization behaviors - it is purely through her Baba and volunteers that she has developed into somewhat a normal little girl.
To actually witness what this contact can really do is astounding - it reminds you that you can't give up on them, children have the power to amaze you no matter what terror they have been through. Something that i will keep with me on my journey to raise more funds and attract as many volunteers as possible whilst the problem is still being reformed.


My next move was to Sector 2, a sector that i have never felt more purposeful, wanted or given such an unconditional amount of love.

Thank you so much for reading... 

Hells x