Leading into the middle of the week was when we met sector 3, met and fell in love with sector 3. I'm not sure what it is about that sector or should i say that age but i seem to hear that all volunteers fall in love them.
Its funny because you would think that spending all this time in such a house of sheer horror would leave you so unhappy all of the time but it really is quite the opposite.
I spent the whole week inside the institute laughing, playing, singing and giving more love than i knew i had the capacity to give.
Outside the institute i always wore a huge smile, it made you appreciate everything that you have and live much more in the moment.
I had the most amazing conversations about life as i'm sure you can imagine, being in that situation makes you think about everything you do in your current life and whether it truly matters to you.
I guess being there gives you the realization that we are gifted with such opportunity and the power to be or create anything we choose to, we are lucky enough only to be held back by the barriers that we build.
The freedom we deem as our reality is something that others couldn't even dare to dream of, and if only out of respect for all of those people who aren't as fortunate as us we should live in appreciation of this every single day.
It would be silly of me to say that you don't experience great sadness when you are there but the only way i believe you can deal with it is by remembering what you do have and what you can give.
All it takes is one smile or one response to turn a moment of sadness into a moment of pure happiness.
First Impressions
Our first interaction with sector 3 was when Ruth and i had been shown onto the sector by Grigor, we walked out onto the balcony where the majority of the children were 'playing' together.
The balconies are big old concrete floors that circle the whole building on every sector, with railings around them to stop any of the kids falling through.
It had a large cot filled with 5 children whilst others were sat on the floor or on the small plastic chairs - the carers were sat having coffee giving the children the occasional glance or moving them away if they got to close to the railings.
As soon as i walked in a little boy looked up at me, little brown curls,sucking his bottom lip and smiling so innocently.
He sat and watched me interact with the other children, either children fight for your attention pushing anything or anyone out of the way or they are so patient, waiting, desperately hoping you will go to them next.
Jamie just sat smiling on the chair like a cool dude, whilst i went over and had to stop the first awful sight on the sector.
They had put a child from sector 4 in the cot with another little girl Monica - Monica was about 4 but had severe problems brought on by institutionalization. She had the mental age of a 6 month old and was extremely anxious all the time,she sat on all fours bouncing up and down always insisting her back was to something like a wall or another object.
If you tried to touch her when it wasn't invited or brought on on her terms she would get incredibly distressed, biting her arms and screaming murder.
She was one of the children that really had no idea that you were a person, she would see you only as an object. Very strange to see that in a childs eyes.
With that said she was next to a child that seemed to display autistic behavior, as always you have to imagine autistic behavior as we know it and amplify by a 100 then mix it in with the institutionalization.
Bored, the only means of entertaining himself was to grab Monica's hair and repeatedly smack it against the side of the cot, in turn she let out this piercing screech.
Now you would think that the first thing 'carers' would do is come and stop this situation right? oh no this just continued for around 3 minutes and had been happening for god knows how long before we arrived.
I instantly walked over and picked up Monica and indicated that the carer come and move the little boy out of the cot as he was damaging her head, which was now purple and red where she had been hit so many times. The carer just looked at me like i was crazy and causing her a huge inconvenience. She picked him up and wondered off down the balcony into a room.
We continued to play with the kids, most of them now rocking and lip vibrating constantly unless interacted with.
It's amazing how many times you try and entertain 10 kids at once just to stop this behavior, it's like you cant physically allow them to rock whilst you are there. So you would often find yourself lining them all up on your legs and bopping them up and down singing, just to keep as many of them engaged at one time.
45 minutes after arriving we were both playing with a few children each when we realized that slowly all the kids had been taken off and none of the carers were in sight. Confused we wondered up and down the balcony and through all the rooms thinking initially that the kids were being fed or potentially showered.
I wandered up to the furthest point on the balcony where i saw through the window the little boy that i had asked to be moved from the cot, he was sat in a room by himself playing with his feet. He had been locked in there since i had asked for him to be moved, the thought of him just sat there by himself just kills me. Especially as it was a result of my actions.
I walked along and through the rooms realizing that the children had all individually been locked into different rooms or placed into cots where they were just sat silently rocking or banging there heads on the bars for some sort of stimulation.
I was so confused and kept looking for the carers thinking there must be some sort of reasoning for this? They were no where to be seen until i saw one sat in there office having a coffee and reading a magazine.
They clearly thought there were more important things to be doing with there time so locked them in rooms separately to limit the noise possibly. I was simply horrified.
I walked through each room with Ruth picking up all the children and taking them all into the playroom so we could interact with them all. Just repeatedly shaking my head in disbelief that they couldn't even be bothered to leave the kids with us and disappear but make sure they were suffering on there own.
The next few hours were pure happiness, all the kids laughing and crawling all over you. Not even wanting your individual attention just so happy to have some part of their body touching yours.
I would stand up and walk to the other side of the room and literally there would be a surge of all of them crawling to you to be near you again.
As 7pm came Grigor came in to collect us, as he always did he would appear through the window with his green scrubs waving at the kids.
This was the only time i saw there faces turn when they saw him, knowing that when he arrived it meant we were leaving.
I gave them all kisses and cuddles as i did in all sectors and went to leave. This was the first day in my whole time in Bulgaria that i was overcome with emotion, unable to comprehend what was unfolding infront of me.
All the kids screaming and crying, there little bodies all trying to stand up and balance on one another to reach upto you to be held.
All you can do is walk out and keep going, you know that turning around isn't going to make it any better.
We walked down the sector to the lift where you have to wait for a good 20 seconds for it to arrive, each second going pass with their screams echoing down the hallway and through your body almost punching you in the heart.
I have never experienced anything like it. The most unnatural feeling to leave 10 screaming children that you know are going to carry on being neglected until you return.
That was also the first time i cried, we went to the flat that night and had our first sob.
You don't really cry for the now you cry because you know that in a few days time you are going to have to leave them there. Leave them and come home to pretend that anything else matters in comparison.
Other then the final day in Pleven, this was the most difficult day i experienced.
Saying goodbye to Pleven
On the lead upto going to Bulgaria everyone had said the same thing to me, this trip is going to change your life. The way you see the world is going to be altered forever.
I didn't doubt that what they were saying were true but it's not something you can really comprehend or envisage happening.
I always thought that when people said it it was like a sudden moment and then all of a sudden boom your life was changed forever.
Having had the experience I can say that my life hasn't essentially changed from the trip like some big bang moment.
My purpose for getting up in the morning has changed, my appreciation for the life i am able to lead has changed, things that i once thought were my rights i now realize are actually a privilege.
I guess something that really stands out is that although the experience has scarred and saddened me it has also allowed me to truly be happy and appreciate the happiness that i can experience should i choose to.
When witnessing people being subject to such neglect like in the institutions or any kind of trauma its always talked about what an amazing thing you are doing, how much you are giving the children and how proud you should be of giving your time. Although i appreciate this point of view it has never been my perspective.
What Grigor and every single child that i had the privilege of meeting have given me is something that i could never repay.
Everything that i have mentioned about how my life has changed has been as a result of all of them, there hope and hunger for life despite being enveloped in such horror will never seize to amaze me.
I left Pleven with such emotion, emotion that to be honest i had no idea how to deal with. I am the kind of person that never dwells on problems i get out there and solve them, yet when a problem is on this scale it is so overwhelming you simply don't know where to begin!
I was lucky enough to come away with a soul mate in Ruth, someone that i have no doubt will be on my mission to change this situation no matter how long it takes or what barriers we face. We will get there.
I come away with a wonderful friend in Grigor, a man that inspires and amazes me upon every single thought. Knowing someone that has such insight into the situation is something that fills me with such hope, together we can create such change.
The waves that have been created since i arrived home have been phenomenal, the response to this blog has been simply overwhelming. Strangers,People that i never would have had down as being interested in what i am aiming to achieve have been so incredibly supportive offering any help they can give. It has shown me just how much good is out there if you look hard enough to see it.
I cannot share to much information of what i am working on at the moment, not because i dont want to ( i want to shout from the hills!) but because nothing is finalized yet on a few things and i dont want to jinx them!
Sisters Creating Change
One thing that i am INCREDIBLY excited to share with you is myself and my oldest and most precious friend Liv have begun our six month charity fundraising mission...
Liv is founder of the wonderful organization EduHaitian, giving children affected by the 2010 earthquake an education by sending them to school.
Liv has been nothing but an inspiration to me throughout my whole life but esspecially the last few years, she has single handily taught me how much you can achieve with hard work, determination and most importantly never giving up on your dream no matter what challenges are thrown your way.
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| Sisters. |
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| TBACT AND EDUHAITIAN |
With both of our charities giving a voice to the voiceless and help to children that are finding themselves in what would seem the most helpless situations, we are joining forces to raise as much money/awareness as possible.
We have created a website that will be launched soon with information on both charities, blogs, photos,videos, bucket loads of inspiration and of course ways to support.
It will be called sisters creating change.
Our first challenge to warm us up for the next 6 months was a triathlon.... Now i am TERRIFIED of water, i had a full on panic attack the first swimming session we had. Something that i never expected and something that litterally made me believe that i would be leaving the race in a safety boat as opposed to sprinting the finish line!
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| My Wave of swimmers |
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| She made it out alive!!! |
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| Sprint finish of course! |
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| Ohhh Here she comes! |
With 3 months hard training we completed our first Triathlon in Dorney lake on the 30th September. Something i am still in shock about, Liv being extremley concerned about her run due to a knee injury and me being in complete terror of the water i almost could not envisage us really crossing that line... but we did and i am so proud. It just goes to show what you can achieve when you set your mind to it.Staring fear in the face and shouting BRING IT ON.
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| Our PHENOMENAL friends and family cheering us on the whole way. Thank you SO much x |
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| We did it! Sisters Creating Change x |
http://www.mudrunner.co.uk/videos.html
As soon as the website goes lives i will post it on here, i really hope my blogs so far will inspire you to support the change i am so desperate to achieve.
Writing about this has been a cross between therapy and torment, living all of it over and over again but i hope that it has given you a true representation of the situation we WILL change.
Thank you so very much for reading and keeping me company on my journey.
Until next time..
Hells xxx
A journey with footprints that will ripple on and on until justice is done. So incredibly gob smacked and amazed by you OUTSTANDING girls.
ReplyDeleteYou fascinate me in so many ways and I have every faith in you that these poor children have been taken under your wing and that you will do all you can even to improve even the smallet aspect of their lives.
Watch this space.
Speachless.
Katy xxx